Procrastination in Relationships
Romantic procrastination: a highly effective relationship killer
Treat yourselves and get away more often!
Everyone is familiar with the general concept of procrastination. We all go through periods of procrastination in our lives, moments when we put things on hold even though it would be wiser to deal with them straight away.
No one is perfect, provided, of course, that this remains the exception or stays under control rather than becoming systematic.
What is relationship procrastination?
Romantic procrastination, or relationship procrastination, is a term used to describe the “art” of putting off the intimate moments and romantic getaways that every couple deserves.
We readily admit that it is a rather ugly and negative term, but it does have the merit of being fairly self-explanatory.
It can apply just as much to moments spent together at home and moments of tenderness as it can to a romantic dinner at a restaurant or a romantic getaway lasting a few days.
Although it may seem harmless, this behaviour can have damaging, or even fatal, consequences for your relationship.
Indeed, one partner’s inaction can quickly become burdensome, frustrating and unacceptable to the other. It demonstrates a lack of commitment to the relationship and creates resentment, sadness, anger and, inevitably, discord.
What are the harmful effects on a relationship?
Here are the harmful effects on a relationship of never doing anything to nurture it, never taking the initiative to keep the flame alive, and communicating poorly, or not at all, with your partner.
The connection between you erodes
Intimate moments are crucial for strengthening the emotional connection between two partners, especially in the long term. By continually postponing these moments, couples risk losing that connection, leading to emotional distance and a reduced understanding of one another.
People who retreat into their cave, into their emotional bubble, rather than confronting the discussions and issues their partner urgently wants to address, contribute to their relationship’s inevitable descent into hell.
This brings us back to one of the fundamental pillars of a relationship: communication. Retreating into a cave is not communicating, whatever the reasons may be. On the contrary, it means shutting yourself off from all discussion, all positive behaviour and any possible improvement in the relationship.
Feelings of neglect and abandonment set in
When one partner frequently puts off romantic gestures towards the other, tender words, meaningful actions and shared-life initiatives, the other can very easily and very quickly begin to feel neglected and even emotionally abandoned.
This is even more pronounced when that partner is experiencing difficulties in other areas of their professional or family life, or in another aspect of their life. Feeling neglected and abandoned within a relationship does not encourage it to survive—quite the opposite.
This inevitably creates tension and doubts about how much importance is placed on the relationship. These negative feelings between partners cannot lead to anything good: they take away their smiles and increase the resentment they feel towards each other.
The couple loses its special bond
Romantic activities that show the other person that you care and that you are truly present in the relationship, along with moments of tenderness and intimacy, help strengthen the special bond between you. By postponing them indefinitely, couples risk losing the closeness that makes their relationship special.
This bond is one of the essential ingredients of a healthy relationship. Communication and closeness are key factors in enabling couples to face the difficult times that life brings.
If you remove these two elements that hold a relationship together, what is left?
Sexual stagnation takes hold
Romantic procrastination can also affect a couple’s sex life. A lack of effort to maintain a normal and healthy atmosphere within the relationship creates negative feelings that only grow as the unsatisfactory situation continues over time.
Most of the time, this situation leads to stagnation in the couple’s intimacy. Yet we know how important it is to nurture what is known as the “love hormone”, oxytocin, by sharing tender moments, cuddling or making love regularly. Without these important moments in life, there is no need to spell out how quickly the relationship’s health will decline.
There is a high risk of growing apart
Romantic procrastination can also affect a couple’s sex life. A lack of effort to maintain a normal and healthy atmosphere within the relationship creates negative feelings that only grow as the unsatisfactory situation continues over time.
Most of the time, this situation leads to stagnation in the couple’s intimacy. Yet we know how important it is to nurture what is known as the “love hormone”, oxytocin, by sharing tender moments, cuddling or making love regularly. Without these important moments in life, there is no need to spell out how quickly the relationship’s health will decline.
Feelings of dissatisfaction become predominant
Romantic procrastination can create a sense of dissatisfaction because romantic expectations are not being met. This can lead to frustration and a search for emotional fulfilment outside the relationship.
To counter these numerous negative effects, which often lead to separation or divorce, it is crucial to recognise the importance of romantic and intimate moments and make planning them a priority.
It does not matter what those moments involve, because everyone is different. Both partners need to identify what they require to feel happy and secure in the relationship.
No relationship should ever suffer from such an imbalance that it is always the same person who says “I love you”, always the same person who suggests a relaxing evening cuddled up in front of the television, always the same person who plans a night in a bedroom with a hot tub, organises romantic dinners at restaurants or arranges romantic weekend getaways. NEVER.
Open communication about emotional needs and a commitment to creating special memories can help break the cycle of romantic procrastination and strengthen the relationship.
How can you overcome romantic procrastination?
Fortunately, the negative effects of romantic procrastination are not irreversible. It is ALWAYS possible to change things, either alone or with professional support.
However, changing things within your relationship—or in any other area, for that matter—requires a conscious effort. It means taking the necessary time away from your daily routine to reflect, think, analyse and become aware of what is happening.
This ability and willingness are therefore not something everyone possesses. Many people would far rather bury their heads in the sand and carry on with their daily routine as though nothing were wrong, hoping that everything will turn out fine, than courageously confront what is not working and dare to question themselves.
Daring to question yourself and daring to make time for your partner and your relationship are courageous, conscious actions.
Become aware of your behaviour
Do you think that simply being physically present means you are taking care of your relationship? Do you believe that you are there for your partner, even though they are emphatically telling you that this is not at all how they feel?
Are you retreating further into these thoughts every day, hiding ever deeper inside an imaginary cave that is breaking your relationship a little more with every passing moment? Keep refusing to communicate, keep shutting yourself inside your bubble, keep burying your head in the sand, and your relationship is guaranteed to die.
Since communication is the main pillar of any relationship, if you do not realise that these negative behaviours are destroying yours, it will soon be too late.
If your partner talks to you about it, if your partner is angry or if your partner is sad, these are all alarm bells intended to make you react. No one but you can take the step of becoming aware of what is happening. It is like when your colleagues, friends and family repeatedly urge you to stop smoking… Until you find your own motivation and understand that it is for the sake of your health, you will not take any steps to give up cigarettes…
To those who make no effort to recognise their harmful behaviour within the relationship and who, on the contrary, do everything they can to avoid all discussion and all positive communication, one simply feels compelled to say that this is deliberate sabotage… Knowingly sabotaging a relationship, without any consideration and by shutting yourself away, is one of the worst things that can happen.
Do things differently
We are very tempted to say, “Give yourself a kick up the backside”, but that would not be politically correct. Actually, perhaps it would…
Do things differently.
Do things that you never normally do. Change your negative behaviour towards your relationship and replace it with positive actions. Only by taking a step back, acting consciously and pushing yourself to behave differently will you manage to change things for the better.
Organise a romantic dinner, write a kind note on the bathroom mirror before leaving in the morning, smile at your partner for no particular reason, suggest going for a walk somewhere you have never been before, or plan a romantic getaway.
Do nothing, hide away inside an imaginary cave and therefore deliberately and consciously procrastinate within your relationship, and your relationship is guaranteed to die. “For better or for worse”—do you remember your promise? What are you waiting for before honouring it?
It is NEVER too late to try to do the right thing, behave differently within your relationship and make changes.
Do not do things on the other person’s behalf
However, you cannot take proactive, positive action on your partner’s behalf. They are the one who must become aware of the situation after you have expressed your feelings, frustrations and dissatisfaction within the relationship. It is up to your partner—not you—to step back and recognise what is happening.
You cannot force someone to do things they do not want to do, do not even want to try to understand and feel incapable of doing. In such cases, you know that the relationship is lost forever. You cannot do things for the other person.
You cannot force someone to understand what you have been emphatically telling them for days, weeks, months or even years. You will only sacrifice your own health in the process.
If romantic procrastination has been eating away at your relationship for too long, try talking to your partner one last time. All you can do is try.
You can also seek the help of a psychologist or couples therapist, who can act as an independent person and try to restore communication, provided that your partner agrees and, above all, is motivated. Otherwise, the process is even more likely to fail. Being motivated means that your partner wants to make an effort to find a therapist and wants to do something real and meaningful to save your relationship.
These two proactive actions are concrete, and you can be proud of the additional efforts you have made to save your relationship, both in your own eyes and in those of the rest of the world. This is how you can look at yourself in the mirror each morning without shame, knowing that you did everything you could to try to save your relationship.
If nothing works and your partner remains unreceptive to everything you have been trying to make them understand for so long and in so many different ways, then it is time to clear the way and consider rebuilding your life with someone who is better equipped for a relationship that places communication, understanding and love at its very heart.